Episode 37: Jimmy goes to the Ballet
(An excerpt from The Chronicles of Jimmy Thrash by Andy Bang)
It’s 10 AM and Jimmy is still sleeping. He’s very tired after playing a gig in Lawrence at the Rusty Crevice. Jimmy’s band, The Scrumptious Scrotums (TSS), had second billing to the headliner band, Slippery Onion. Jimmy plays drums for TSS and does a bit of back ground vocals as well. After his set, he lit it up pretty good with his band mates, downing several shots and numerous beers.
The phone rings. Jimmy twitches and rolls over. The phone rings again. Jimmy sticks his head under his pillow. The ringing stops for a moment and then starts up again. Jimmy continues to ignore it. The phone rings several more times before he decides to struggle to his feet to answer it. In his diminished capacity and confused state of mind, he picks up the phone and says,
“Somebody had better be dead or you’ll be the next …” At the other end of the phone is Jimmy’s good friend Electric Dick. Dick says, “Hey mate, sorry for wakin’ you up, but I have a business proposition for you …”
Dick knows Jimmy was recently laid off/fired from his job and could probably use a few bucks. Jimmy used to work in the mail room at the Goober Town Shoe warehouse down the street. He was caught in the warehouse partaking in illegal substances.
Jimmy attempts to collect himself and says, “Hey D, what’s goin’ on? I played last night and got a bit festive … could gawk at any minute …”
Dick says, “Well pull yourself together. I was hopin’ you could ride out with me today since my brother can’t do it. He broke his leg yesterday and will be out of commission for awhile.”
As you might have guessed, Electric Dick is an electrician. His usual partner is his brother Steve. Both are fully licensed and work out of south-western Massachusetts. Their normal modus operandi is to ride around in their electrician’s truck until they manage to drum up some business.
Dick continues, “I’ll pay you 25% of the day’s take for basically doin’ nothin’! How’s that sound?”
Jimmy understands what Dick is after. Dick pulls in twice the loot when he shows up at a job with a partner. Dick wants Jimmy, who has no clue about electricity, to act as his “silent” partner for the day.
Jimmy knows he is not feeling up to snuff, but could definitely use the cash. So he says, “OK D, come by and pick me up.” Dick replies, “Cool … see you in a few …”
Dick swings by Jimmy’s place and the two drive off to descend upon the unsuspecting folks of south-western Massachusetts.
They ride around for most of the morning with no jobs to their credit. They decide to stop at a nearby Micky D’s to have lunch. As they finish up, Electric Dick turns to Jimmy and says, “Hey partner, how ’bout we check out the ballet down the street?”
Jimmy asks, “You mean the strip joint?” Dick replies, “No, I mean the Bolshoi. My grandma’s in town and happens to be a prima ballerina. Of course the strip joint you idiot….”
Jimmy answers “Sure, I guess,… I mean, … you’re the boss … but you know I have no cash right?”. Dick assures Jimmy he will loan him a few bucks and the two drive off towards the nearby strip joint called, The Rotten Peach.
Dick is very excited at the prospect of checking out the “ballet”. He never gets a chance to visit it when he rides around with his brother, Steve. Steve doesn’t approve of such activities and discusses everything Dick does with his wife, who, in turn, discusses everything with Dick’s wife.
Dick and Jimmy pull into the parking lot of The Rotten Peach and walk into the front lobby. The cover charge is 3 bucks, which Dick gladly pays. They walk into the club. The place is fairly large with a main stage and runway to the left and a massive bar to the right. There’s hardly another customer in sight except for a guy over to one side getting a lap dance.
Dick motions to Jimmy to follow. They walk over near the runway and sit down. Once seated, a waitress quickly walks over to ask them what they would like to drink. She leaves disappointed as Dick orders a coke and Jimmy a water.
Dick turns to Jimmy and hands him 2 dollars saying, “Here you go Jimmy, don’t spend it all in one place … hah hah hah…” Jimmy rolls his eyes and throws the 2 bucks on the runway railing. Dick follows by throwing a dollar on the railing.
A girl named Jodi has already started dancing and is watching the two guys with great interest. After she sees the cash, she works her way over to where the two are sitting. She immediately introduces herself to Jimmy and feigns interest. She asks Jimmy if he would like a more private dance later on. Jimmy says definitely and turns to Dick smiling.
The next dancer is Lexi, who follows Jodi’s lead and goes to work on Dick. Lexi says to Dick, “Wow, one whole dollar, you’re a really big spender, huh?” Dick is not amused by Lexi’s comment and exclaims under his breath, “It’s not like your suckin’ my dick or anything….”
While Lexi is keeping Dick busy, Jodi comes out of the dressing room and sits next to Jimmy. Soon Jimmy disappears with Jodi under the main stage. Once under the stage, Jodi talks to Jimmy about the finer do’s and don’t’s of lap dancing etiquette. Jimmy agrees and Jodi begins.
Jimmy has never gotten a lap dance before and is enjoying his first time immensely. Jodi is digging her butt into Jimmy’s crotch to the rhythm of the background music. At first Jimmy is digging the action, but soon, the fallout of yesterday’s late night festivities start to affect him and he begins to feel sick. In a concerned voice, Jimmy says to Jody, “I think you’d better stop …”
Jodi responds, “Ah you are liking it a lot huh, I think I’ll keep going…” Jimmy replies, “Well yes, but …” Jodi interrupts with, “Just relax honey and enjoy it”.
Suddenly, without warning, Jimmy’s face turns an odd shade of green and he uncontrollably vomits his Micky D’s burger, fries and milk shake all over Jodi. Jodi screams, “Aaahh gross…” and quickly runs off into the dressing room.
Luckily for Jimmy, he managed to get most of his puke on Jodi and the floor. Now feeling a bit better, he gets up, side steps his puke and walks back to where Dick is.
Dick and Lexi are still involved in a heated discussion like an old married couple. Finally, Lexi storms off shouting at Dick,”Listen you cheap bastard, I’d rather dance on razor blades than hang out with you.” Dick responds shouting back to Lexi, “Excuse me Miss, you forgot your dollar …”
Jimmy returns and sits down next to Dick. Dick looks at Jimmy and says, “So how was it?” Jimmy pauses for second and says “Well, it was very interesting … and how about you? You’re hittin it off with Lexi I see.”
Dick responds, “Oh yah, I have her eatin out of the palm of my hand.”
Just then, the manager of The Rotten Peach approaches Dick and Jimmy and asks them to follow him. They all walk back to the lobby area. The manager says that Lexi has complained about Dick. She said that Dick was being verbally abusive and that he called her a bitch.
Dick replies, “What? I never called her a bitch.” The Manager responds, “Lexi says you said, Hey bitch, you forget your dollar”.
Dick retorts, “I didn’t say that. She’s must be a deaf and dumb bitch as well.” The manager, staring angrily at Dick, says, “I think it’s time for you both to leave”.
Jimmy says to Dick, “C’mon let’s go.” And they start walking towards the door. Just before they exit, the manager says, “Oh yeah, and Jodi wants her 20 bucks for the lap dance.” Dick turns, sticks his hand in his pocket, and produces a 20 dollar bill, which he hands to the manager.
All of a sudden, Jodi runs into the lobby and goes up to Jimmy to whisper something in his ear. She hands him a small piece of paper and disappears back into the club.
Dick and Jimmy leave The Rotten Peach and make their way back to the truck. As they get into the truck, Dick looks over at Jimmy and asks, “So what did Jodi say to you?”
Jimmy answers, “She gave me her number and told me to call her.”
Dick exclaims, “Wow, that must have been some lap dance you got!!!”
Jimmy smiles and says, “Yeah, it was something all right …”
