Interview with The Pity Whores
The Pity Whores is an energetic punk band and is one of the best live bands on our site. They kind of have one leg in Providence, one leg in Boston and what’s in-between, well, we’d rather not discuss. They are a very tall band and Slimedog, being almost 6”1′, has to look up to them. But when we say he looks up to them, we want it to be known, that’s strictly from a logistic viewpoint, and not a moral one. Because to look at the Pity Whores; their debauchery, their degradation, their decadence, their bringing further down any adjective that begins with the letter D; well, you should look down upon them, as we do, as is only right.
The only reason this interview is being printed is so the authorities have the proper evidence to press charges. We will cooperate fully with the police, but in the meantime, you’re welcome to read the filth these perverts have to say, these deranged, disgusting delinquents who want to puke on our pure, perfect, placid society. Please have all young children, farm animals, pottery and electrical appliances leave the vicinity if you dare to venture forward. Following now is the full and unexpurgated text of a nightmare from hell!
(This takes place outside the Midway)
Voice- Nipples are nipples.
Rory (Bass)- He has nice nipples. (Referring to Wyatt, the guitar player)
Unidentified girl- Oh, I see them. They’re like, they’re like…
Matt (Drums)- Pieces of salami.
Slimedog- So, Wyatt has nice nipples?
Rory- Ham-steaks, ham-steaks.
Girl- Hamsteaks? Those are tiny.
Rory- (Indignantly) No, those steaks are huge!
Matt- He’s just trying to get himself in fetish porn.
Wyatt- (Angrily) Ham-steak nipples, he says! Get the fuck outta here. Fuckin’ little pebbles.
Rory- Those are diamond cut, dude.
Slimedog- So which one of the Pity Whores has the nicest nipples? (He asks inquisitively)
Girl (To Matt)- Yours has the greatest contrast and they’re the largest.
Slimedog- So Matt has the best nipples?
Girl- They’re big and they’re dark… and they’re thick.
Girl (To Wyatt)- Yours are tiny but hard.
Wyatt- Well, I’m aroused. I am aroused.
Girl- You have pip-squeak nipples.
Slimedog- When I talked to the Trans Fats and asked them what they thought of the Pity Whores, I thought they would answer me musically, but they said, “They were tiny, but hard.”
Girl (nipple expert)- We haven’t even got to Rory. For all that his ass has to offer, his nipples kind of blend in. They’re sneak attack nipples. They’re there, you don’t even see them.
Wyatt- If I may interject at this moment. When you talk about a “dick”- hard, small but hard- that’s consistent. When you talk about a “willie”, it sounds like it’s full of air and floppy, when you talk about a “dong”, it just sounds like it’s some kind of fucking ceremony. Like a- doooonnng.
Slimedog- You guys are from Attleboro, right?
Wyatt- Foxboro, we were once from Worcester but that was many moons ago.
Slimedog- I think of you guys as a Providence band ‘cause you’re closer to there, I mean, I live 12 miles from Boston but I consider myself a Boston boy.
Rory- I consider myself a woman in a man’s skin.
Slimedog- Okay, all right.(momentarily disorientated from the constant onslaught) How do you think the Boston and Providence scenes compare?
Wyatt- Lots of Providence bands play here at the Midway, lots of Boston bands play down there. It’s not like different scenes, it’s the same.
Matt- We’ve been lucky enough to have great bands from both ends where they actually hang around and give a fuck about punk rock music as opposed to showing up and leaving. I like the people who show up to our shows because they molest each other, relentlessly.
Slimedog- When you got together did you put an ad in that you have to be over 6”3′?
Wyatt- We put a sexual ad out. We said you had to be into golden or brown showers.
Rory- And these two commented on my ass. And it’s been bliss, ever since.
Slimedog- What is the height of all three gentlemen?
Wyatt- Eight inches.
Slimedog- No that was the next question. Your height, physical height.
Rory- 5’5”, next question.
Slimedog- How would you describe your music?
Wyatt- Erotic.
Rory- Erotic and exotic.
Wyatt- I would say you could probably strip to it and masturbate.
Slimedog- Now, do you guys have any plans, meaning recording plans or touring plans?
Rory- We’re recording a porno next month.
Matt- I usually record my farts. If you want I can play you one.
(Matt proceeds to ready his phone to play one)
Matt- I dub this one, “Trumpet Fart.”
Wyatt- This is supposed to be a hit song on our next recording.
(The fart plays)
Slimedog- So who writes the music for the band?
Guy- I do.
Slimedog- And who’s that fellow?
Matt- That’s Fat Clit.
Slimedog- And he writes all your music?
Wyatt- He’s from the Union Boys, that’s correct.
Slimedog- So, Fat what?
Wyatt- Clit- that’s C-L-I-T.
Slimedog- I thought you said Cliff, I should’ve known better. And who writes the lyrics? It’s a reverend, I know- Jesse Jackson writes all your lyrics.
Wyatt- That’s correct.
Rory- He’s a good man.
Slimedog- Who drinks the most in the band?
Wyatt- (Pensively) I probably, drink the most semen. Now, that I’ve been exposed about drinking semen; he however (indicating Rory) drinks a lot of piss and Matt over there is into poo.
Slimedog- I know it’s an odd question but who drinks the most alcohol?
Wyatt- (Offended) Oh, none of us actually drink alcohol.
Matt- We practice abstaining from anything alcohol.
Slimedog- Oh, that’s very interesting.
Rory- Alcohol is one of those things we don’t do ‘cause it makes you stoo-pid.
Matt- Yeah, they dummy down with fluoride to kill your penal gland so you can’t play with your real gland.
Wyatt- You could ask who smokes the most crack’
Matt- Well, what kind of crack? (To Wyatt) You smoke a lot of ass crack.
Wyatt- That’s what I’m talking about.
Matt- Right.
Wyatt- (Dreamily) Yeah.
Slimedog- And how about a favorite dive bar?
Matt- I always love bars that dive right into my ass.
Slimedog- Who’s most likely to become a serial killer?
Rory- Me.
Slimedog- And you, Rory?
Rory- Hmm, hmm.
Slimedog- And why is that?
Rory- Why am I Rory? I didn’t have a say in that! (He says excitedly) My parents dubbed me that.
Fat Clit- Let me say something real quick.
Slimedog- Sure.
Fat Clit- You ought to interview the Union Boys cause we’re up and coming. We’re the next Van Halen! We’re the next U2! We’re the next fucking Green Day!
Wyatt- We’re the next fucking….Queen.
Slimedog- I think that after interviewing the Pity Whores this will be the last interview we do.
Fat Clit- Oh, what the fuck! (Laughter)
