Friday March 29th 2024

The Functional Alcoholics / Red Line Rebels / The Trans Fats / Sunny Wallpaper

functional

The Functional Alcoholics / Red Line Rebels / The Trans Fats / Sunny Wallpaper
Cantab Lounge, Cambridge, MA 7/27/2012

 

First of all I gotta eat Mexican food in the joint across the street, my three ingredients for a good time are Mexican food, beer and punk rock- and that’s what is here today. The Three Ingredients was a soul band I was in in the seventies, by the way; we had choreographed moves and matching lavender suits with bright green wide lapel shirts.

So the Cantab is a funky old Central Square dive that has music below, down a staircase, kind of small, but kind of reminds me of the Rat, as well. As the Rebels are my favorite band in Boston and The Trans Fats are my favorite band in Providence, I wanted to check this out. But first is a band that is quite different from these two bands. They have mid tempo songs with funky bass and an almost seventies feel to them, much like my beloved Three Ingredients. It causes me to mention to someone that they sound like “the band that played Slimedog’s senior prom”. They have brought about thirty or so fans with them made of freshly scrubbed college girls with their freshly scrubbed college boys. The band is very dull and has an appropriately dull name but I forget what it was so let’s just call them “Sunny Wallpaper”.

About this time, Todd, the singer for The Trans Fats, arrives and I inquire if he just woke up as he appears a bit bleary. He replies that he’s been drinking all day as an explanation for his disarray. And also, at this time, the opening parade of countries for The Olympics is on the TV with such colorful costumes that I inquire if this is a tape of the Gay Pride march. They have countries with names like “Mauricio” marching and it’s obvious to me that it’s all made up and next time I’m gonna have “Thrashnbanglia” or something and no one will be the wiser.

So now the question is how many songs will it take to clear the room when The Trans Fats start to play? I’m guessing about three but when they take the stage and turn on their amps and despite Todd’s urgent plea, “Yeah, we’re gonna play some mellow shit, we’re gonna do some mellow shit,” all but three scurry up the stairs before a single note is played. The first song is “Obey”, my favorite tune by them, but not by that crowd, obviously.

Well, there are still a few punks here and Todd is chastising the deserters by calling the girls a derogatory name that British people call each other. I notice one young man came back, maybe to retrieve something (maybe Missy’s sweater?) and the look of fear on his face transmits, or trans fats, that he’s afraid he’s about to be disemboweled by devil worshippers. I saunter to the front of the stage to inquire about the “mellow shit” they had promised to play, but it seems to be a cruel hoax played on the crowd. They do play a great set, though. They are a full on hardcore band with some progressive elements hiding in the music in a very cool way.

Red Line Rebels are next and instead of playing their usual songs they are playing “More Than A Woman” by the Bee Gees in a shameful ploy to woe the unsuspecting colligiates back from upstairs. Thankfully, they are unsuccessful, and Jay, the singer, reverts to simulating mucous being shot out of his nose using cans of silly string; always a crowd pleaser. In fact, Frank Sinatra was known to use such theatrics, as well. They end their set with Jaymez the drummer, playing Christmas songs on his ukulele while the rest of the Rebels, dressed as elves, prance around him in a circle; Well, who can blame them, Christmas is only five months away.

The Functional Alcoholics is the last band which should be the name of, and actually defines, every punk band on TNB. I notice the drummer is very good golly, miss molly and I’m told he’s from the Evil Streaks, a very good band as well. This band is steeped in traditional hardcore as shown by their two or three Black Flag covers. They play a very good, fun set.

Now, it’s the end of the night. Jaymez takes up his ukulele to lead us in a campground sing-a-long of, “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” by Britney Spears. The college girls have returned and are openly copulating with the future sperm donors of their children. Crazy Jay Genoa, still dressed as an elf, is defecating in the middle of the floor while the crowd roars its approval with abandon.

Looking towards the heavens, I inquire how many times I used the word inquire in this review; but I get no answer. I do take my leave, though, knowing all is right with the world, and that Jesus has set a path for us, one that we all wisely follow.

 

(Slimedog)

 

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