The Labor Pains – “Are Boring And Unoriginal”
I find that The Labor Pains are boring and unoriginal.
Music that has guts and excitement- well, that’s all been done before.
Music with so much energy that it explodes off the speakers mainlining directly into your mind, into the pores of your skin, the soul of your being!
Well, I’ve witnessed that before, too.
I don’t know. Folks are always looking for the “next big thing” which is just another bulge in my jeans, if you get my drift. Always looking for something “new and different.”
In the late seventies I discovered punk rock, Mexican food and beer. And though others went on to find Jesus and macro-robotic cooking and portfolios- I never did find anything better than those three things for me.
Oh, I’m sorry- forgot to mention the girls- yeah, yeah, they were better than anything I ever experienced while at the same time being the most terrifying as well. (But no misogyny here, I believe God, in his ultimate wisdom, put the two sexes here to torture each other.)
But The Labor Pains are like punk rock, Mexican food and beer to me. Full of fun, sustenance and intoxication.
And I don’t know what your three choices are, but I do know what your fourth should be-
It’s right below here-
With a scrape against the guitar strings and a shouted “two, three, four”- “I’m Happy With You” leaps with a power surge into your ears. And lo and behold- there’s a ringing punk guitar lick, one as good as a Buzzcock song could claim. “Well, I’m drinking all the beer and I’m listening to The Queers. The guys all think that I’m a wimp, the girls all think that I’m weird.” This song is full of exuberance and guitar grit and echo-ey sixties background vocals that don’t give a shit if you mistake it for pop. “I’m always stumblin’ when I walk, and I mumble when I talk.” And I also, crumble when I fuck but I’m happy, happy with hearing a song so great.
“I Don’t Wanna Be Good,” is a song The Ramones forgot to write. “I don’t wanna shower and change my clothes, I don’t wanna do any of those.” But no matter what they don’t wanna do, they have created a really great punk song here. “I wanna drink a bottle of turpentine,” thanks, I’ll stick to the Jagermeister. “I don’t think I wanna write another line.”
“She’s big enough to eat me, but she likes to be abused. It takes a special treatment, to get her in the mood. She likes it when I’m angry and she likes it when I’m rude, ’cause she’s my little masochist and she’s definitely cool.” These lyrics sound like some cheeky, early British punk band and once the song kicks in we’re treated with a guitar lick full of passion and velocity. Being a masochist myself, this tune called “My Little Masochist,” I can certainly relate to, but anyone with working ears and not hung up on political correctness, should enjoy this gritty, dirty little ditty.
With another bright, gleaming, Buzzcocks lick baring down on you, “Half The World,” has already won me half over. This is a song about tough breakups. “Because every time you try to play that game, the consequences always look the same. You tell me that I’m crazy and I probably agree. So I’m gonna crash my car into a tree.” She might be half the world to him but this song should be all the world to you, like it is to me.
“Bedhog” starts with a rhythm guitar that’s roaring past the audio transmission. “No, I won’t wake up, because I don’t really give a fuck…Running out ’cause there’s no point and there’s nothing I can do.” This is like prime Iggy & The Stooges teleported to the 21st century. This song is a bit more intense and sounds like I have electrical bolts attached to my head emitting exciting, energetic wave scans into my head. Best song on the album.
“Leanna” starts out with a guitar that tries to convince us that what’s up ahead will be a nice little power ballad. Instead what we get is a demented, deranged fifties tune. “Leanna…she did puke up the bandanna, but I won’t listen to Santana.” This is what fifties music would’ve have sounded like if the creators of such music all huffed glue.
Right out of the gate like a classic Queers tune, “I Don’t Wanna Be (With Anyone Tonight),” ignites like a cherry bomb on the fourth of July stuck in your eardrums. This song is all about how a sensitive soul needs some time alone after a frightful breakup. But this is another lively, rockin’, rootin’, tootin’, Putin, poppin’, punk number you can enjoy even by yourself.
“Go Fuck Yourself” is a pleasant, self-help song that me and Andy took to heart utilizing our new doubled-dong dildos. I felt great listening to this song but the pleasure I enjoyed from their suggestion was way beyond belief.
So The Labor Pains sound a lot like The Ramones, The Queers and many other punk bands before them, but what should be noted is all those bands, all their influences are great, playing great music and this is this bands take on a style of music that needs not to “progress” but needs more to be celebrated.
Music in society in the last gazillion years or so, was never about breaking new ground, more about augmenting tradition, reinforcing values and community. It’s why we have music known as “Irish Music” or “Italian Music” today.
I’ve never experienced labor pains and I hope I never have the pleasure of that experience. From what I hear, giving birth- it’s more painful than living.
But these folks here are just the joy and power and beauty that punk music can bring while railing against all the awfulness that the world and the old, senile white men of Washington rain down upon us.
And that’s more than enough for me.
‘Cept for the beer and Mexican food.
(Slimedog)
