The Pity Whores – “Too Dumb To Drive”
This is the worst album I have ever heard made by the worst people that ever existed. If Hitler could come back and remake the soundtrack to “Saturday Night Fever” using the past and current contestants of American Idol even that would not sound as bad as this album.
Think of your worst day, your worst nightmare, your worst liverwurst sandwich and multiply it by 10,000 to the square root of sixteen- even then you’d fall short of how poorly recorded, poorly played, poorly written, poorly cover designed, poorly liner notes, poorly band practices, poorly chosen routes to drive to said practices, poorly chosen guitar strings, drum equipment, amplification, poorly choice of picks and drumsticks. Poorly choice of major life decisions, poorly choices of diet and exercise, poorly choice of home decoration and poorly choice of longevity of oil changes for their vehicles.
This album encapsulates your worst feelings, your worst experience, your worst physical or mental deformity and multiply it by 10,000 to the square root of sixteen- and even then you’d fall short of this disgusting, despicable, debilitating denouncement of all that is good and sacred in the world, that this album, one that acts so deviant and debased, attempts to destroy.
I would rather take an ice pick and slam it into my eyeball connected with a hydraulic drill than ever listen to this album again.
Let’s check out some delightful selections from the album.
“I Got Fired Because You’re A Liar” is the first song on this album and this comes out with a high energy, not quite hardcore beat, that gets the blood pumping to several vital organs. Seems to be a sad tale about a girl telling lies to get you fired and “So now I’m working here at Taco Bell/ They’re making life a living hell.” Free Mexican food seems like a pretty sweet gig to me, even if it has to fall on the floor first. This song is bursting with energy, has a great melody but with enough grit and passion to put it in with the best of The Ramones. But in conclusion, I have to say, this is a terrible song by a terrible band.
[audio:https://www.thrashnbang.com/wp-content/music/01 I Got Fired.mp3|titles=I Got Fired]“I Wanna Fuck You” which, I believe, is their hair metal ballad, has lyrics such as: “There’s something on my mind, baby/ I wanna pin you against the wall/ Well, I don’t want conversation/ I don’t wanna talk at all…I want to pull on your hair and do nasty things to you/ I wanna fuck you, on the counter top/ Put my Oscar Meyer mobile in your parking lot.”
We submitted all the lyrics of this song to N.O.W. The National Organization Of Women and this is the reply we received:
“While we do appreciate the humorous jest of these lyrics, we feel it would improve male and female relationships if they put more thought into their feelings and a more positive spin on their observations. That being said, we would also like to add, we would gladly like to see the members (heh, heh- editor’s note) of The Pity Whores heads, individually, nailed to trees and then have their eyeballs plucked out which would then be fed to the birds.”
We here at TNB wholeheartedly agree.
[audio:https://www.thrashnbang.com/wp-content/music/04 Countertop.mp3|titles=Countertop]“Don’t Wanna Be Here” or as its alternative title “You Make Me Wanna Puke” succinctly expresses everything I feel about The Pity Whores. This song doesn’t make me want to puke, in fact, it actually does. And my gray and brown, corn soaked puke on the sidewalk is more aesthetically appealing than anything I’ve heard on the horrific album.
[audio:https://www.thrashnbang.com/wp-content/music/12 Worst Scene.mp3|titles=Worst Scene]
Interview with The Pity Whores excerpts:
Slimedog- How would you describe your music?
Pity Whores- Erotic. Erotic and exotic. I would say you could strip to it and masturbate.
Slimedog- Who drinks the most in the band.
Wyatt- I probably, drink the most semen…he however (indicating Rory) drinks a lot of piss and Matt over there, is really into poo.
We must set fire to these Mongolian mongoloids and push them into the sea! Put them on a tiny raft, set the raft on fire, and push them into the unforgiving sea in the direction of Mongolia.
Their morals are reprehensible. Their molars are indefensible. They’re contributions to society are seriously suspect, their personal hygiene is in constant neglect. Their penmanship is atrocious and their table manners and etiquette are less than one would hope for. Even the undesirable desire them the least of all! Even degenerates have some moral code, they don’t even have a formal dress code for important dinners.
I live to see the day when the words “The Pity Whores” are relegated to a spot where we put the most murderous serial killers, our most heinous criminals, our most respected members of society and put them all on an island together- preferably near Antarctica.
But putting that all aside for a moment- if you want the best in pop/punk with brutal, exciting rhythms; hilarious lyrics, and music and songs that are full of passion, fun and truth- well, this is the album for you. And along with The McGunks they are probably the best live band that we cover.
And all that nonsense that I wrote before the last paragraph. Ha, ha- you can ignore all that.
BUT IT’S TOTALLY TRUE!
(Slimedog)
