The Martians / Crimespree / Fast Times / Jenn Lombari
Thrash N Bang’s Annual Pizza Party Xmas Show
Midway Cafe, Jamaica Plain, MA 12/10/16
Now is the most holiest of seasons. When Christmas is celebrated and Hanukkah as well. It’s a time of peace and reflection, of sharing and giving, of the dream of world peace and a deliverance of mankind from evil.
But this was TNB’s Xmas party and thankfully, we were having none of that.
No, we’re about gouging our faces with pizza, gouging our brain with beer and “holiday spirits,” gouging our eardrums with decibels only a jackhammer operator is more familiar with.
And that’s what we did.
So sit back and relax, loose control of your bodily functions and your mind functions, too. As we enter, once again, into the strange and enchanting world of dual texting.
Slimedog- So are we going to experience a theatre presentation of the most popular Christmas musicals like “The Nutcracker,” “A Christmas Carol,” and “Santa Does Naughty Things To His Reindeer?”
Andy- Those all sound intriguing but I thought this Christmas we were gonna see your puppets do evil things while dressed as elves.
Slimedog- Oh, my puppets now have a side project called The Electric Puppets From Spain. They are basically a death metal puppet show singing Rammstein songs in Spanish. They had to cancel today due to lead poisoning.
Andy- Oh, sorry to hear that. Well I guess the only thing left to do is check out that lame Xmas party thrown by those morons from TNB.
Slimedog- Yes, at that dreary Euro-trash club, Le Monde Way or something.
Andy- Well let’s hurry then and get there before all the pizza’s gone.
Slimedog- And I’m dressed in a tuxedo for the theatre! Well, at least it’s green and red plaid in keeping with the holiday spirit. I believe this year, because of the amazing profits, TNB is providing prime rib dinners with roasted potatoes and asparagus.
Andy- Wow, that sounds unbelievable. But I was really hoping for pizza. Oh well, I guess I could keep down some meat and potatoes. Any desert?
Slimedog- Yes, chocolate covered spam balls topped with lark’s vomit. Such a delicacy, such a treat. Much like the musical treat we’re about to receive with Jenn Lombari, hopefully performing grindcore versions of Christmas classics.
Andy- Yes that would truly be a treat, but perhaps her usual repertoire would suffice as well.
Slimedog- Agreed, she is one of the best songwriters around and today she is performing some of her solo stuff along with some songs from her band, Lucky United’s last album, which happens to be one of the best albums that I reviewed this year. I’m hearing some of my favorite tunes from that today like “Touche’ Pussycat” and “Lonestar.”
Andy- She reminds me of a reincarnated Joan Jett. I mean if Joan Jett were deceased, of course.
Slimedog- Yes, well that’s an excellent point you make of Joan Jett not being deceased. The kind of incisive reporting TNB readers can rely on. And here’s a band we can rely on giving a kick ass performance- Fast Times.
Andy- Are you joshing me? Fast Times is playing tonight? The last I heard it was Aerosmith, Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam and, of course, Jenn Lombari.
Slimedog- Yeah, those three bands all cancelled. They were asking for guarantees of six figures and all I could offer was six pizzas. But, truth be told, I’d rather see Fast Times than any of those three bands and they are sounding really great today.
Andy- Truth be told I don’t think I’ve ever heard them play a bad set.
Slimedog- No, and this might be their best one yet. I love their song “Butt Shot” about taking a shot of alcohol through one’s anus. Kind of like getting drunk and a colonic all at the same time.
Andy- Whew, a chill just ran down my spine. Speaking of alcohol we should do our traditional Christmas shot while the next band gets ready. Next year we might add a Christmas joint as well.
Slimedog- I’ll stick with hard drugs like Jagermeister thank you. Let me just say that I think Fast Times is the best hardcore band we cover. Today they covered Operation Ivy’s song “Knowledge”. A big thank you to Nick, their singer/songwriter/guitarist, without whom this show might not have happened today, and he’s gonna stay onstage after Fast Times is done because he’s also the guitarist for Crimespree.
Andy- How is it that Crimespree hasn’t been arrested yet? I mean with all the crime they freely admit to perpetrating.
Slimedog- True, but then how am I not serving a life sentence for reckless writing? These guys are a hardcore band that also mentions “thrash” in describing their sound.
Andy- They’re awesome. Non-stop excitement.
Slimedog- Do you hear thrash in them?
Andy- Maybe a little.
Slimedog- Mostly I hear voices in my head that say “Kill, Kill, Kill” but I just assume it’s the beer talking to the brain cells. Well, now I have to take my leave. I guess we could make up something crazy, but not as much as what I’m actually doing. I’m going to play bass at a Christmas party with a fifties doo-wop band.
Andy- Maybe if you would remember the voices screaming kill, kill, kill while you’re playing, you could finally put an end to that bebop stuff once and for all.
(One half hour later. Slimedog now texting Andy from hell playing bebop stuff.)
Slimedog- Hi, I’m playing the first set. What do you think of The Martians?
Andy- The Martians are quite sprightly. I like their energy. They even appear to have a song about you. Something about you sucking…
Slimedog- You must be mistaken. They do have song called “Danny Sucks” which happens to be my favorite. Surely, they must be singing that.
Andy- No, I believe it’s “Slimedog Sucks.” Apparently a song about your oral exploits.
Slimedog- Well this is an outrage. It just makes my blood boil (Slimedog can hardly make out the screen on his cell phone as tears rain down upon it). When I’m pulling tricks as a transvestite hooker at truck stops, sure I suck, that’s my job. But, for them to denigrate me in front of the punk/hardcore community is flabbergastingly grotesque.
Andy- Then again it’s Christmas and I’m sure The Martians are really paying homage to your greatness? Sort of like how punks spit on each other.
Slimedog- Oh, I get it. It’s like sarcasm. We should really try to do that on TNB. I’ll start. Well, it’s certainly been a rewarding experience doing TNB with you this year.
Andy- I whole-heartedly agree and look forward to many more.
Slimedog- And we’d like to thank all the great bands…especially The Martians. And all the wonderful, beautiful fans that showed up today.
Andy- Ditto.
Slimedog- Wow! This sarcasm stuff is great!
