Thrash N Bang’s Fifth Annual XMAS Pizza Party
The Pity Whores / Fast Times / Honest John / Lucky United / Bad Movies / Unlisted
Midway Cafe, Jamamica Plain, MA 12/20/15
Recently we were happy to celebrate TNB’s fifth annual Xmas pizza party. Who would’ve thought, five years ago, that we would grow into the multi-national corporate giant that we have become today?
You may point out, and rightly so, this hasn’t happened. True, but we have stood, undaunted, against our failures knowing that what we have won has far exceeded any financial gain we could have acquired.
And what have we received, you may ask, and the answer to that…well, we’re still figuring that out.
All we know is, that at least it gives us an excuse to have a party every year with beer and music and great bands with great people and if you need an excuse for that, dag nabbit, then it’s time for me to turn in my membership card for the human race, along with my shriveled up, unused penis.
What follows is a dual texting review conducted by highly trained and clever monkeys who believe they’re better than the other animals because they can drive a car and watch television.
Please don’t attempt this at home because though, effortlessly it may seem, it does contain jagged edges around the rim that can tare your flesh and scar your mind.
So sit back, relax, let the subliminal, hypnotic messages invade your brain turning you into a mindless, sex robot- all the better to enjoy the exciting, new world of dual texting.
Slimedog- Wow, I can’t believe this is our 50th TNB Xmas party!
Andy- Hmm, if this is our 50th Xmas Party I think we’re buried and dead for some time.
Slimedog- Seems like it was just five years ago, and now checking my watch, I see it has been. Well, I think we may still be doing TNB in 2060, but we may have been turned into sex robots by then.
Andy- If we’re sex robots, I doubt we’d have time for TNB, but luckily or unluckily, today we have plenty of time. And for this Xmas show, it looks like our best line up of bands so far.
Slimedog- True. And in place of doing TNB, I’m glad we didn’t go with my original idea which was to have a Cornish Hen Bondage website.
Andy- Yeah, just making working miniaturized handcuffs would have broken the bank.
Slimedog- And artistically, I feel we’ve reached the same heights. And I vow that no matter how I am used as a sex robot in my animated after life, I will still find time for TNB.
Andy- Good for you. Now if we could just get 10 more writers with your kind of dedication we’d have something. Or maybe something very scary.
Slimedog- If my sex organs can continue to serve mankind then my pen shall do so, also. Hey! Here’s my favorite new band of the year – Unlisted.
Andy- I just met them on the way in. They sound awesome. Sort of like controlled mayhem with a dash of psychosis. My kind of music.
Slimedog- Very abrasive, harsh, uncompromising music. No wave style, or as we like to say, Koo-Koo music.
Andy- Yes, and Koo-Koo in this case, sounds very good.
Slimedog- I’m glad you like them. I’ve seen them a few times now and they’re better each time. Now it’s time for some good music with Bad Movies!
Andy- Oh no, we’re not going to see the film of how we grew up in Tasmania again are we?
Slimedog- No, this is a band. And with the demise of Damn Broads this is my favorite band we cover. Kind of like The Germs if they could play, that is.
Andy- Oh, of course. Wow, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve seen them, but they sound more amazing then I remember. The vocalist is fantastic.
Slimedog- Yes, Linn is super talented as is Dana who fronts Unlisted and reminds me of a young Patti Smith. Linn is like a mix of Poly Styrene and Courtney Love.
Andy- Lucky for us, I think we got a few of the best lady performers in the local scene performing today.
Slimedog- Yes, and I especially liked their song “Oi To The World.” And now it’s time for another great female fronted band, Lucky United.
Andy- Right, last year Jenn performed a great acoustic set. Today it looks like she’s decided to rock out a la Joan Jett.
Slimedog- And they’re playing the Xmas classic “All I Want For Xmas Is You.” I think this song is being directed to me! I’m gonna run on stage right into her arms!
Andy- Please don’t. How about we do a Xmas shot instead.
Slimedog- Oh, that was embarrassing. When I got close she ducked and I went crashing into the drums. I guess you were right about me not being her type. Let’s do that shot!
Andy- Cool. Looks like the ladies will be handing over the baton to the guys for the final three acts. Starting with the great band, Honest John.
Slimedog- Let me just add that Jenn is one of my favorite songwriters and her new rhythm section is superb. Honest John play that heavy hardcore that you like so much. And do pretty good for boys!
Andy- Yes and today I think Honest John sounds the best I’ve heard them. Ya know, we need to have these Xmas shows more often. All the bands seem super inspired.
Slimedog- And we need another shot. I know you need a shot in the morning just to take a piss but this is a rare treat for me.
Andy- Well it is Xmas after all. What the heck let’s throw caution to the wind instead of our underwear. I bet Santa needs to throw back a few to get all those presents delivered.
Slimedog- Yes, someday we may be sex robots and exist on tofu and motor oil but now it’s time for Fast Times with their speed punk, hardcore rama-llama!
Andy- Unfortunately they were unable to attend last year due to unforeseen issues, but it’s awesome to see them today. And as usual they don’t disappoint.
Slimedog- This is also a record release party for their split they did with The Pity Whores. Though you know they got the idea from us with our recent split we did with Seals & Kroft covering songs by Barry Manilow.
Andy- Yah, everybody rips us off. How come we never made a dime from that?
Slimedog- Calm down, have another shot! Fast Times are great but I really book them on the slight chance that Rachael, my future wife, will accompany them.
Andy- Ah, I see. False pretences. Is Rachael a musician as well?
Slimedog- More a muse or a delightful flower that enchants the bee with his stinger. She has won my heart and what’s left of my mind but alas, feels she has only won the booby prize.
Andy- Hmm, OK. Well it looks like it’s time for the last band to play. I’ll just sit over here.
Slimedog- I’m going up front. The Pity Whores are the worst band we cover. In fact, they are the worst band of all time.
Andy- That must be why they’ve played at every TNB Xmas party so far.
Slimedog- They just played a song by that straight edge Christian rocker G.G. Allin, “Bite It You Scum” and I pulled down Wyatt’s shorts (the guitarist) and all was revealed!
Andy- OK no more Jager for you. I must say, in all seriousness, I think this has been the best show I’ve seen all year.
Slimedog- Agreed. And as far as Wyatt is concerned let me just add that they say “good things come in small packages.” Next year, I do hope Rammstein can make it and I did check with the Jimi Hendrix Experience but they said they were unavailable.
Andy- Too bad. I understand they do a mean version of “The Star Spangled Banner.”
Slimedog- But it was great today seeing awesome bands and so many friends, like Jo visiting from L.A. and Blowfish from Boston Groupie News. And as you say, “It just doesn’t get any better than this.”
